Testimony of Healing
My husband and I had always thought we would wait a few years after getting married before we start a family. I wanted to wait until I had completed my qualifications in my career and we wanted to ensure we were in a good place financially.
Whilst at bible week last year, God spoke very clearly to both my husband and I. He said to us ‘What are you waiting for?’ We were excited and obedient to what God had spoken over our lives.
In May of this year I had a beautiful baby girl. Praise God! As all new Mums will tell you it’s also a very tiring and emotional time. I did initially feel very nervous, as I hadn’t previously spent much time around babies, but assumed I would pick things up and become more confident.
There were some things that were adding to my anxiety. She wasn’t feeding very well and despite all my best efforts she hardly gained any weight in the first month. I remember reading my baby book and seeing that she fell into the ‘failure to thrive’ category, not very encouraging! Also the ‘sleepless nights’ were literally that. I remember the first time we came to church after she was born; we had finally managed to get her to sleep around 7.30am and we knew that we didn’t have long before we’d have to get up to go to church. That was a really hard day, people asking how we were, expecting me to be beaming from ear to ear, and I wasn’t. That made me feel so guilty.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love her, I loved her so much, and that made me feel worse. Why am I not happy? I should be happy, I have been blessed! What is wrong with me?
I’ve always been someone who wears their heart on their sleeve; I’m not good at pretending everything is okay, when it’s not. I wanted to be more dignified and portray togetherness, but I wasn’t strong enough for that. I would start crying whenever anyone asked how I was doing. But now looking back, I’m glad I was honest.
Some wonderful people in the church rallied around to help me in practical ways and to help me lift my eyes to Jesus. My husband was a pillar of strength at this time too. I thank God for who he put around me at this time, it really did sustain me.
However that wasn’t good enough. Surely there’s more to life than just ‘getting through’? I wanted more than that. I wanted to be happy. I knew there was more for me, but didn’t know how to get it. I felt numb inside as I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions, and didn’t know how to deal with this on a spiritual level.
Anyway, when my daughter was around 6 weeks old, one Sunday morning we were in church and she slept for the longest she had ever slept. She slept through the worship time and through the whole of the word. I kept expecting to have to leave the meeting to feed her, but it never happened. That morning after the word, Ezekiel called people forward who had suffered from depression. God told Ezekiel to draw a line and we were to step over this line, and move on from our depression. I decided to go forward. I was very hesitant; I didn’t want to admit that I was depressed in front of the whole church. But I realised this was my time, and I also realised God had kept me in the meeting for a reason.
So I went forward, began to take hold of what God had for me. I realised that I had to stand firm and trust God, that he had spoken to us, and would not let this be more than I could handle. God is not a man, that He should lie!!
Now this wasn’t positive thinking, I’d tried that. This was confessing the truth of God’s promises over my life. I realised that I had been listening to the lies of the enemy, and not to my faithful, loving God who cares for me.
Now things didn’t immediately get easier in terms sleep etc, that’s not what I had been promised. But my spirit started to lift and as I put my trust in God day by day, I became so much happier. Now, I believe I am completely where I am supposed to be. I love being Mum, and I am so grateful that I have a God that is bigger than any of this. His burden is easy, when we allow Him in.
So why did this happen to me? Why did I feel so down, when other people manage to get through just fine? I’m a Christian, surely I shouldn’t get depressed. Maybe because I allowed the situation to get on top of me, and cloud my relationship with God, maybe because God wanted to use me to minister to other people in similar situations. Either way, I don’t think it matters. All that matters is that God turned it around for His glory!!
God does care about our struggles; we don’t have to be perfect, it’s okay to admit we’re finding things hard, but we need to trust He knows the best for us, and allow Him in to our hearts.
I want to encourage anyone who is in a situation where they feel vulnerable, and are feeling depressed to take that step of faith and trust God, He is sovereign.
